There’s something about how joy strips fear of its power.
Dearest Doodle Soupsters,
I think I just realized why I love Halloween. As I strolled on home from the polling site where I cast an early vote today, I saw a mother helping zip up the top of her kid’s costume which covered his whole body. He was dressed as some robot or video game character, I don’t know what!
But there was something so helpless and hilarious about this child struggling with his costume, barely able to see through the eye holes, his mom fiddling with the zipper, the smirk the mom and I exchanged as I walked past, an inside joke between two adults that we didn’t need to say a word about to share a chuckle, both of us laughing on the inside, almost imperceptibly.
There’s something about a house decked out in creepy clowns swiveling around, the electricity flowing through the wires hidden somewhere, a mad dog who jumps out from the doghouse just when you’ve started to assume that particular decoration must not be plugged in, right?
There’s something about greeting the boogeyman, looking straight at what’s supposed to be dark, realizing that you’re laughing instead of cowering in fear …
There’s something about how joy strips fear of its power.
There’s something about how doing something completely unnecessary every once in a while makes life worth living … dressing up, reading a book at a coffee shop, taking the long way home simply because you’re enjoying the air, the smell of I don’t even know what but it smells like fall, warm and smoky with a crispness, a little chill piercing through, an early sunset, smells like trees somehow but that’s not all.
I’ve written A LOT in this newsletter about survival mode, how it feels to run run run, how frustrating it is when the fear lingers past its supposed expiration date, when it seems there is no expiration date for the impact of childhood trauma.
So when I have a day like this, I just can’t even begin to tell you how special it is to me …
I woke up to breakfast in bed, courtesy of my amazing husband, followed by cuddles with our kitty. I took care of some emails, little tasks here and there, listened to a podcast on my way to vote, stopped at a coffee shop to read for a while, walked on home and felt a strike of inspiration to write what I am right now and yup, we’re all caught up! After this, I’ll wash the dishes, take care of a few things for some upcoming lessons I’m teaching, maybe spend some time in my studio working on my book arts project or practicing for my upcoming performance in December (stay tuned for more deets!).
This is what I’ve been working toward. This is the life I’m already living and still also building at the same time.
Yeah, I feel terrified too! Standing in my power, believing in myself, showing up goes along with waves of panic and doubt, flashbacks, exposure, you know the drill! Yet, it is a day like today that reminds me to stare down the boogeyman, let myself giggle, and just do my thing.
So while I’m in this mindset, allow me to lay down a few things that deep down I already know but often it’s hard to hold onto that knowing:
Contrary to the reality of how survivor’s guilt feels and manifests for me, I do not need to be sorry for surviving. I am still here and I am grateful for that. I’m not sorry for living. I’m not sorry for being myself. Finally!
I’ve arrived, people! And I’m still arriving, always arriving. Because there are milestones, yes, but there’s no finish line to end all finish lines except well, death and who really knows what happens after that? I am a human who has a lot to be proud of and I’m still growing, learning, changing all the time. I get stuck too, frustrated. I have hard days. This all can be true and these truths don’t negate each other. They co-exist.
I am awesome! And not because I’m perfect (no one is). Yes, external support matters. And at the same time, I want to learn to be my own cheerleader too! I want to be a cheerleader for others and myself. I want to walk the walk, okay! I want to understand that only I can really know what I’m capable of, how limitless that is, how many visions and dreams are percolating inside of me, waiting on me to act, to believe they’re possible. And this all co-exists with the necessity of keeping it simple, one day at a time, even just focusing on getting through the day sometimes. They’re allowed to co-exist. I think that’s actually a very healthy way to allow myself to be human, prioritize, live in the moment while also constantly working to sort through any artificial limitations on what I think is possible for me now or going forward, seeing the boogeyman (the fear) for the funny-looking, cartoonish threat it is.
I can laugh about it. I can cry about it. I can roll my eyes about it. I can dive into a project to take my mind off of it. I can talk about it. I can dance about it. I can sing about it. I can allow myself to forget myself for a while and just be a blob existing in this exact space and time for this blip that is my existence. I can make meaning. I can write about it. I can feel whatever I feel.
For all the doubts and fears, I stand by the choices I’ve made and I love my life. I love my husband and our life together. I love being an artist, a journalist, a teacher, a musician, a writer. I love this bittersweet, bizarre existence. I love this blip of a lifetime. I love being alive, guys. I really do.
Happy Halloween to all of you, Doodle Soupsters! And thank you for being here with me, along for this crazy ride together!
With love,
Nicole Sylvia Javorsky
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